The song should go… “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause underneath the mistletoe last night” But my version this year goes a little different, “I can’t see because Santa popped in in the eye…. underneath the mistletoe last night.”
So here’s what happened.
My day started out on the wrong foot. When I woke up to take a shower I realized that my water heater was broken. Instead of reading 31 Celsius, I just said “E1” ( ie. ERROR!!! NO hot water today people!) I’ve taken plenty of cold showers in the past, but they usually happen after spending all day under the sun on a beach in Thailand. I’ve even taken a cold shower after hiking through the woods in Laos (because hiking with funky booty is not where it’s at). BUT I refused to take a cold shower in my OWN apartment in the dead of winter. So I throw on some clothes and just head into work.
At work, I spent the entire day walking around smelling and feeling stank. Then I remember that our office Christmas party was happening that night after work. Now when you haven’t washed your bum, the last thing that you want to do is put on a sparkly dress and sing Fa-la-la-la-la. Unfortunately I didn’t have a choice… I had to go.
I arrived at the party thinking that I was on time. WRONG! I was in fact an hour and a half late. And all of my coworkers had to ask me… over and over and over and over… why I was late. This further ticked me off. Everyone was full of holiday cheer and mulled wine… while I on the other hand was feeling like the Grinch.
This Christmas party was unlike any that I’ve ever been to back in the States. It seemed straight out the twilight zone. The party was held in a Latin restaurant. Instead of Christmas trees, there were sombreros everywhere. And instead of Nat King Cole on the radio, there was my Brazilian boss playing Jingle bells on the accordion. I had no clue that he could even play the accordion! I was shocked… and impressed. While he played, the cutest little Chinese boy sang along over the Karaoke system. If I wasn’t feeling so crappy, that little boy probably would’ve stolen my heart. Instead he just made me miss my own nieces and nephews…. which made me feel even crappier.
After Jingle Bells was sung for what felt like eternity… Santa emerges. At which point, fifty Chinese kids totally lose their shit! The kids are going crazy, the parents are drunk… and I’m miserable! I’m sitting there counting down the minutes until I can leave, without seeming rude.
As I’m eating the scraps of what’s left on the buffet, Santa starts hurling hard candy into the crowd. You can hear the candy crashing into the glasses, and thunking on the tables. I am thinking, “THIS… is not a good idea.” I see one of my taller coworkers get nailed right in the temple! THIS…. IS… NOT… a good idea!
Just when I think Santa’s sack is empty and it’s safe to lift my head….
I get nailed square in my right eye! I felt like Issa on her last date with Daniel. Except it wasn’t my pride that hurt, it was my cornea! I definitely do NOT recommend taking a hard ass “Now~n~Later” to the face… especially not in diretly in the EYE!
Needless to say, that was my cue to take my “funky, sober, one eyed, Mr. Scrooge” behind back home to wash off all that holiday cheer with a nice COLD shower!
Thanks for Reading!